People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. It can take other forms such as psychological, emotional, financial or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is a serious misuse of power in a relationship where one person uses a pattern of behaviour to control the other. Shouting, accusing, name calling, put-downs or constant criticisms such as telling someone that she is ugly, stupid, worthless or useless is a form abuse. If you feel like someone is walking all over you, it might be really helpful to learn to be assertive.

Assertive behaviour promotes equality in relationships, to stand up for ourselves, to express our feelings honestly and confidently, and to exercise personal rights without infringing the rights of others.

Stand Up. Speak Up. Be Assertive

Some people say that fighting is part and parcel of family life. Conflicts and differences do occur between family members. In a healthy relationship, family members compromise and seek ways of overcoming their differences. Violence or aggressive behaviour is not a normal part of a family life.

At times we all need to stand up for our own rights and express our personal needs, values, concerns and ideas, in a direct and appropriate manner without abusing or dominating others. Keep the focus on the problem you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. Example: "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption." instead of "You're always interrupting my stories!" This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just expressing your anger or frustration.

Stand Up. Speak Up. Be Assertive

If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience depression, a sense of being helpless, resentment and poor relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions, negative OR positive. It's murder for a relationship when the partners can't tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them.

No one is a mind reader. Use facts, not judgments "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" instead of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are you?" The more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from others, their willingness to see you as a person who respects herself, a worthwhile person, a more loveable person!

Stand Up. Speak Up. Be Assertive

Many of us are taught that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future. Because of this early conditioning, many young people do not know how to react to molesters. At least three women get molested in Singapore every day. Often a molester counts on a woman being passive.

Molesters target victims who are either young or vulnerable and accessible; women who will hesitate to create a scene, so the risk of being caught on the spot is slim. The average age for the victim is 12.

Teach our children to act immediately and firmly. Teach them to be direct and assertive. Inform the bus driver, the lifeguard, whoever the person of authority is in the situation. Many women have learned that assertiveness is effective in threatening situations.

Stand Up. Speak Up. Be Assertive

In Singapore, one female is raped every three days. More than half of all rape victims are below 19 years old and most of them know their attackers. Young women between the ages of 14 and 18 are often accused of provoking the rape. A sexual relationship between a young person and an older family member is sexual abuse. The assailant uses the victim's trust in him to isolate her. Victims are often manipulated and do not have the skills to defend themselves.

Teach our children to defend themselves against sexual assaults. Self-defense is anything a person does to make herself feel safe. Asserting a personal boundary, walking away and telling someone what is happening are all forms of self-defense.

Written by:

Sara Dean
Former EXCO Member & Chair - Helpline and Support Services