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A place to call home: Single parents talk housing at dialogue on 17 May

Home isn’t simply a physical space to live in. For many single parents in Singapore, finding a home of their own is an arduous journey, and for some, it remains a pipedream.

Last Wednesday, over 40 people – 20 of whom were single parents – gathered at AWARE to share about their struggles and frustrations with Singapore’s inadequate housing policies, which write them out of the picture of what a family deserving of a house should look like. Present at the dialogue was MP Louis Ng, who spoke about his own efforts in raising these issues in Parliament.

Most single parents are not financially able to opt out of government-subsidised HDBs –  but the odds are stacked against them with discriminatory HDB policies, unsympathetic frontline officers and unclear eligibility criteria.

One single mother shared how she felt exhausted with having to deal with various obstacles over the past 15 years, and remained unsure about whether she could secure a home.

Divorced parents in the room were particularly frustrated with the debarment rule, and the current requirement that they obtain their ex-spouse’s consent to buy a new flat. One single father recounted how his ex-spouse simply refused to respond to his pleas for her written consent – a common experience for many who go through bitter divorces. Yet under the rules, his access to subsidised housing is dependent on being able to secure her consent to waive her own future entitlements – a design that seems very likely to result in frustration for many.

The buzz in the room heightened when participants got into a confused disagreement about when an ex-spouse’s consent is needed, despite several being personally affected by this requirement in different ways. It became clear then that there was a lack of clarity and accessibility in information on housing eligibility and an urgent need to not only reform these rules, but also improve how they are understood.

Single parents also touched on the $1,500 income cap for public rental housing, an unrealistic restriction with adverse consequences on social mobility. Said Carrie Tan, Executive Director at Daughters Of Tomorrow (an NGO AWARE has been working with on the #asinglelove campaign for single parents): “The mothers we work with tell us that if they get a job, they cannot get rental housing. Even HDB officers tell them not to get a job. The income cap does not make any sense.”

Participants also hoped the public would realise that existing housing policies might encourage people to stay in toxic and painful marriages. Rachel, a divorced mother, revealed that she “had to endure years of an abusive marriage just because they had a ridiculous law barring divorcees or singles under 35 from buying their own place.” Another divorced mother shared how she felt pressured to get married because of the stigma she faced as an unmarried mother – but is now still struggling through the difficult process of divorce and applying for housing.

One single mother was upset that she had missed out on key experiences shared by other parents, because of their lack of stable home. “I want a home so I can bring my two boys back and let them experience what a family is like.”

Unmarried mothers and their children are unable to form a ‘family nucleus’ to purchase a flat, as their children are considered ‘illegitimate’. For one unmarried mother, this denial of legal recognition to her family has been the main obstacle preventing her from securing a home.  

Unfortunately, until these single parents can secure housing, they have little choice but to make do with uncomfortable and often cramped living arrangements, usually with relatives who are willing to accommodate them. Even then, single parents worry that such situations might pose an inconvenience to their relatives’ families or are unhealthy for their own children, with one single mother commenting, “How can a growing boy still share a room with his mom for another three years? I cannot tell my son to stop growing while I get a house.”

These restrictions create unnecessary hardship for many families. Everyone needs a home to live in and single parents are no different. AWARE’s petition seeks to address many of these concerns and make it easier for single-parents to secure homes for themselves and their children. Please support our efforts in pushing for changes to these laws and creating a Singapore that is more inclusive for all kinds of families.

“I had a rough idea of the obstacles that single parents faced, but I did not realise how helpless they felt until I attended the discussion. The exhaustion and confusion shared by many of the single parents made me realise just how problematic existing policies are. I empathised with them and their children and really wanted to help them, but this endless struggle will continue to plague single parents unless policies change.” – Deborah, attendee and supporter

“I had not thought that housing was an issue for most Singaporeans, but this session really opened my eyes to the many hurdles that single parents have to go through simply to secure a place for their children and themselves to live in. We can all do our part to support their efforts and lighten their burdens.” – Kym, attendee and supporter

SIGN THE PETITION HERE:

English, Malay, Chinese, Tamil

DOWNLOAD PDF VERSIONS OF PETITION HERE:

English | Malay | Chinese | Tamil

Single parents need homes, too: Anna’s story

Single parents in Singapore grapple with a myriad of problems and restrictive rules when it comes to meeting a basic need – housing. Think this should change? Sign our petition urging changes to housing rules for single-parent families. Read more about our recommendations for how policies should be more inclusive of single parent families.

Below is Anna’s story on her experiences with applying for housing.

Anna is a 36-year-old unmarried mother of one. She is currently in the process of buying a resale flat.

When Anna first called the HDB office after the flat’s seller accepted the sale option, she was informed by an HDB officer that she could receive the Family Grant as long as she was single and listed her child as an occupant.

However, it was only during her first appointment at the HDB office when Anna was informed by another HDB officer that she did not actually qualify for the Family Grant. “This is simply the wrong information,” the officer said of the phone call Anna had with another HDB officer.

After Anna explained that she was a single, unmarried mother, and asked if there was any grants that she qualified for, the officer was unable to provide an answer.

“I don’t know what to do about your case. I don’t know how to key into the system. In my 20 years here I have never come across a case like yours.” The officer repeated a few times, and Anna felt embarrassed for being singled out like that and also frustrated that the officer was being very unhelpful.

She then asked if he could ask someone else, perhaps his manager, who would know how to deal with cases like hers.

“If I have to do that, you need to wait two hours for me to ask. I need to clear my other cases first.” Anna thought that he was finding excuses to not help her. After he finally spoke to two managers (taking less than 15 minutes), he informed her that she did not qualify for any grants.

“Who can I appeal to then?” Anna asked, and the officer gave her his email address. “You can just write to me.” He did not offer any other suggestions and Anna left feeling very unhappy.

As an unmarried mother, Anna did not qualify for all the tax reliefs that other married working mothers in Singapore received. She found this to be unfair and questioned why her marital status should make a difference.

Dealing with government agencies as an unmarried mother can be a frustrating and even stigmatising experience – as demonstrated by her experience with HDB. Anna also recounted her  “bizarre” encounter at the ICA, when she was registering the birth of her son.

“The officer asked thrice about the father’s name, even though I already said that I would not include his name in my son’s birth certificate.” After making sure (three times), that the father’s name would indeed not be included, the officer went to get her manager.

“The manager came out and told me that I had to swear that I have given birth in a single parent’s capacity. I had to read this piece of paper declaring that I am a single mother and swear aloud. Right at the ICA counter!” Anna thought that this was an extremely bizarre and strange procedure and was not expecting to have to make an oath.

Anna is currently receiving emotional support from a counsellor at a Family Service Centre. She felt that there should be more support groups for single parents, and that government agencies should offer more flexibility.

Family members, healthcare professionals crucial in providing support for mothers

This article was first published in TODAY Voices on 18 May 2017. 

Recent conversation acknowledging the reality of post-partum depression (PPD) is a positive step forward. But societal support needs to be more readily available for mothers affected by mental health difficulties, or struggling with childcare responsibilities.

PPD is not an exceptional risk – prevalence may be 10-15% or possibly higher. Healthcare professionals interacting with mothers in the risk period should be systematically sensitised to this experience, so that they are routinely looking out for symptoms, and equipped to respond to them in constructive ways.

One of our staff members who experienced PPD gathered the courage to speak to her gynaecologist about her symptoms, only to be told to “hold and smell her baby” and to “be grateful to God”. She did not find this advice understanding or useful, and she was not offered any resources for support.

Professionals should actively provide women with resources like helplines, referrals to mental health experts or counselling services, and support groups. Receiving empathetic responses, and knowing that her difficulties are recognised, can greatly help in a mother’s recovery.

Family members – particularly partners – also have a critical role to play. Mothers experiencing PPD often report feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated at their partners or family members. They may also experience feelings of a loss of identity and social isolation.

Fathers need to be more sensitised to the impact of caregiving on mothers, by paying attention to potential symptoms of PPD, promptly addressing mothers’ difficulties, helping with tasks and chores, and offering to arrange professional support should the mothers wish to access such services.

Moreover, we hear often of giving mothers breaks, but rather than only temporary respite, what we need is for the structures and routines of family life to be made more supportive for women, for instance through a more equal sharing of parental responsibilities.

In Singapore, we have not yet achieved this. Of over 1,300 people we surveyed, 58% of male respondents believed women should take care of household chores and caregiving, compared to 47% of female respondents.

Crucially, the more that society, employers, and the state can support the active involvement by fathers in day-to-day caregiving, the more we can alleviate the stresses that new mothers face.

Parenting is not an easy journey, and support will always be needed. Women who are in need of a listening ear can contact AWARE’s Helpline (Mon-Fri, 3pm – 9.30pm) at 1800 777 5555. Fathers who are concerned that their partners are experiencing PPD can call the Singapore Association for Mental Health Helpline (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm) at 1800 283 7019.

Petition, video on housing for single parents launched on International Day of Families   

This post was originally published as a press release.

To mark Mother’s Day (14 May) and International Day of Families (15 May), AWARE launched a petition bringing together single parents, their children and supporters in calling for changes to housing policies.  The petition launch is accompanied by a powerful video (“Single Parents Talk Housing”) with six single mothers speaking candidly about the challenges they have faced in obtaining housing.

“Complicated rules that favour married couples leave single-parent families with long waits, frequent house moves, overcrowding, strained family relationships, financial drain, and stress,” said Jolene Tan, Head of Advocacy and Research at AWARE.  “Encouraging them to apply for case-by-case waivers or go to MPs is burdensome and leaves many with unmet needs – it is better for the rules to be clearer and more inclusive from the start, and for HDB to more proactively provide guidance and support.”

For the next six weeks (until 27 June), the petition can be signed online (in English, Malay, Chinese, Tamil), and calls for five key changes to HDB’s policies:

  1. Increase the income cap for public rental housing (currently at $1,500) and set it on a per-capita basis.
  2. Allow divorced parents with full, split or shared care and control of children to rent public housing or buy subsidised housing immediately after sale of the matrimonial flat, without debarment periods on rental or purchase.
  3. Allow unwed mothers to form a family nucleus with their children to apply for HDB housing.
  4. Make information about housing eligibility clearer and more accessible.
  5. Create a special unit to coordinate services for single parent families and reduce reliance on direct appeals for case-by-case decisions.

The final list of signatories, together with information on how many are (or have been) single parents or their children, will be sent to the Prime Minister, Minister for National Development and Minister for Social & Family Development.

“These are real problems that we face, and getting a house is a very basic need. Yet it’s so difficult to get it,” said Melissa* –  a mother going through divorce – in an online video accompanying the launch of the petition.

On 17 May, AWARE will hold a dialogue session with single parents from diverse backgrounds, to kick off the conversation on housing policies and how they can be more inclusive for these families.

The petition and video build on the findings of AWARE’s in-depth study (with accompanying Annexes) involving interviews with 55 single mothers, which found that 95% of respondents who sought public housing faced problems like the unrealistic income ceiling, long debarment periods and lack of transparency and clarity in policies.

#asinglelove was first launched in March 2016, and garnered public attention through posters on media channels and commercial districts islandwide. The campaign aims to support and empower single parents, promote more supportive and equitable policies towards single parents and encourage more welcoming and inclusive attitudes towards single parents. To learn more about #asinglelove, visit www.asinglelove.sg

*  Pseudonym

The image used in the slider of this post is part of a comic series done by four artists, exploring the true stories of single parents in their search for stable housing in Singapore. Check out the comics here. 

SIGN THE PETITION HERE:

English, Malay, Chinese, Tamil

DOWNLOAD PDF VERSIONS OF PETITION HERE:

English | Malay | Chinese | Tamil

Want to help us get more petition signatures? Here are some things you can do:

  1. Share it on Facebook, together with our video

  2. Forward it to your colleagues

  3. Get your friends and teachers in school to sign it

  4. Tell your relatives and parents about it

  5. See an article about single parents in the papers? Draw attention to the petition!

  6. Refer us to public groups or pages online that can help with boosting the petition

Get in touch with us at media@aware.org.sg if you would like to spread word about this cause!

 

 

 

Time to do away with ‘illegitimacy’

An edited version of this letter was published in The Straits Times forum on 13 May 2017. 

The recent report of an unmarried mother adopting her biological child (“Unwed mum adopts own biological daughter”, 11 May) highlights the inappropriateness of branding children “illegitimate” and penalising their families.

It is absurd that women must adopt their biological children to remove the stigma that comes with this label, and access benefits that significantly support the children of married parents.  We have also encountered and supported women who embark on this process to remove the stigmatising label, with some success.

Over the past ten years, around 10,000 children have been born to unmarried mothers. Despite welcome advances in 2016, these children remain disadvantaged in law and policy. They are denied Baby Bonus cash gifts, and disadvantaged under inheritance laws. Their mothers, often financially strapped from single-income parenting, do not enjoy the same tax reliefs as married mothers.

Access to housing – a basic need for any family – is limited, as unmarried mothers cannot form a family nucleus with their children for public housing applications. If they apply as singles aged 35 or above, they can receive subsides only on smaller, inaccessible flats, which may not meet their growing children’s needs.

The Ministry of Social and Family Development said last year that differential treatment based on “legitimacy” reflects “the Government’s desire to promote strong marriages”.

However, it is unconvincing to suggest that meaningful values are promoted by making single mothers jump through extra legal and administrative hoops to meet their children’s needs and strive for a better life.

What positive values arise from imposing disadvantage and stigma on vulnerable families?  Are family relationships among married parents really strengthened by the idea that another group struggles with fewer resources and a lower societal status?

One unmarried mother I met described her parenthood as “a lonely journey”. She could not spend much time with her young child as she worked long hours to save for a flat. Another faced family hostility, receiving no support as she struggled to find a stable home.

Besides fears their children will be labelled as “illegitimate” or “bastard”, the mothers face stigma too: one was called a “disgrace” by her family, another dealt with unsympathetic officials who came across as judgmental.

This Mother’s Day, let us honour these women who love, care and provide for their children as much as other mothers do – and move toward true equality under the law.

Ramadan Talks 2017

Gender Equality is Our Culture project (GEC) presents Ramadan Talks 2017! We will be holding a 2-part series of presentations and discussions about issues in the Muslim community.

Food and prayer space will be provided.

Event details
Thursdays, 1 & 8 June 2017
SCWO Centre, 96 Waterloo St
7PM to 9.30PM

Ticket
Individual: $6/session
Pair: $10/session

Special discount for students!
Individual: $3/session
Pair: $5/session
Please contact Filzah (filzah@aware.org.sg) to register for the student rate or if you have any concerns regarding the ticket fee.

Session 1 (1 June): Marriage Education in Singapore and Malaysia – Gender Role Expectations in Islamic Family
by Assoc Prof Maznah Mohamad, Dr Suriani Suratman & Nurul Fadiah Johari

This talk is based on the speakers’ on-going research on Muslim Marriage and Parenthood Education in Malaysia and Singapore. They will present the syllabus of marriage preparatory courses pertaining to gender roles. They will also share findings of observations of these courses as well as interviews with the directors of Singapore operators of marriage programmes.

Register here!

Session 2 (8 June): Understanding teenage pregnancy & marriage
by Babes & Assoc Prof Noor Aisha Abdul Rahman

Babes will present on teenage pregnancy. (More info on Babe’s presentation coming soon)

A/P Noor Aisha will present on Teenage Marriage within the Malay/Muslim Community of Singapore. Teenage marriage within the Malay community of Singapore has come under national spotlight as part of the growing concern with the phenomenon of “dysfunctional families” within the community and its adverse ramifications on the larger society. Although the phenomenon (including teenage childbearing), has been the subject of serious investigations in western societies, systematic research within the context of Singapore generally and the Malay community in particular, remains scarce. This presentation which is based on two studies conducted on young couples who tied the knot in their teenage years is a preliminary attempt to address the lacuna. It highlights the problem of incongruence between the causes of the phenomenon in dominant discourse viz-a-viz actual factors predisposing Malay adolescents to tie the knot. The extent to which dominant perceptions of the phenomenon impact upon current policies and programs aimed at ameliorating it will also be discussed. The presentation will also address the need for evidence based research as basis for preventive and remedial measures to ameliorate the problem and strengthen resilience of teenage marriages.

Register here!

Celebrating supportive female friendships with Lilly Singh

Win a ticket to Lilly Singh’s show and an exclusive meet-and-greet session with her at Kallang Theatre on 24th May 2017

Together with Canada in Singapore, AWARE is bringing the online movement #GirlLove to Singapore! Celebrate friendships between women and girls – and break the stereotypes we still hear every day: that women are natural rivals, “bitchy”, or that women are “their own worst enemies”. Resonating with this is AWARE’s We Can! Singapore campaign to end violence against women.

This online campaign will run from 6-18 May and is tied in with Canadian Youtube sensation Lilly Singh’s – or better known by her Youtube handle ||Superwoman|| –  #GirlLove movement which advocates for girls and young women to support each other.

Lilly will be in Singapore to put on a show as part of her ‘How to be a Bawse’ book tour and we are selecting 2 stories from the contest to attend the show as guests of the High Commission of Canada and AWARE, and have an exclusive meet and greet with Lilly after the show!

You can participate through Facebook or Twitter by sharing a message/photo/video with a story of a time a girl or woman supported and empowered you AND why you think this #GirlLove campaign is important in Singapore. Don’t forget to add the 3 hashtags #GirlLove, #WeCanSG, #Canada150SG. More information on how to participate below.

#GirlLove (1)

Participate in this #GirlLove campaign and you could win a ticket to Lilly Singh’s show with the High Commission of Canada and AWARE, including an exclusive meet-and-greet session with Lilly Singh!

More information on Lilly Singh’s show at Kallang Theatre here.

If you have any questions, please contact Xiu Xuan at wecan@aware.org.sg.

Single parents need homes, too: Rosa’s story

Single parents in Singapore grapple with a myriad of problems and restrictive rules when it comes to meeting a basic need – housing. Think this should change? Learn more at our upcoming dialogue session on housing access for single parent families. Read more about our recommendations for how policies should be more inclusive of single parent families.

Below is Rosa’s story on her experiences with applying for housing.

Rosa* is an unmarried mother of a five-month-old baby. They are currently living in Rosa’s friend’s flat.

When Rosa was married in 1997, she lived in an HDB flat co-owned by her then-husband and mother-in-law.  As she was only 19 years old then, she did not really understand the HDB policies and signed whatever documents her ex-husband told her to sign. Although she was not a co-owner of the flat, her ex-husband received the First-Timer grant for married couples and she was considered to have used up her first-timer rights as well.

On the day of her divorce in 1998, Rosa was kicked out of the flat and spent the night in the void deck. She returned to the flat in the morning to collect her belongings.

“I was only 20/21 years old when I went through my divorce and I had to go through it alone. Nobody was there to help me (in court).”

Rosa then moved into her parents’ (father and step-mother) flat. However, her parents were undergoing divorce at that time and so she soon had to find alternative living arrangements.

Two years later, she shifted into her then-boyfriend’s house. They lived together from 2001 to 2005.

Since then, she has been moving around renting from the private market or living with her friends, with no permanent place to call her home.

In 2013, Rosa went to HDB to try to get a public rental flat but was told that she needed a spouse before she could rent. She then tried to rent with a friend, but their combined incomes exceeded the income cap of $1,500. At that time, she was earning $2,500.

Rosa then switched to a part-time job with a lower income in order to earn below the income cap, but her friend decided that she did not want to rent anymore as she was getting married.

In 2014, Rosa and another friend tried to buy a flat together under the Joint Singles Scheme. However, she did not have enough CPF savings to afford the flat.

Rosa is estranged from her father and siblings. When she revealed her pregnancy in late 2016 to her family, she got into a fight with them and her father used denigrating words to describe her. Rosa described her siblings as “one year one time siblings”. Her family – save for one sister – has not reached out to offer support or  check in on her at all since the birth of her son six months ago.

Without anyone to support her in childcare, Rosa faced a lot of difficulties finding paid work and relied on friends to help take care of her baby while she took on ad-hoc jobs. She also did not have the benefit of maternity leave, given the nature of her employment. She rested only for seven days in her aunt’s house after giving birth to her son and found that she  could no longer stay there. No other family members offered to let her stay with them.

Although Rosa and her baby currently have a roof over their heads living in her friend’s flat, Rosa felt that this cannot be a permanent arrangement. She is paying $500 a month for rent, a sum she could barely afford as she earns only about $400 a month from ad-hoc jobs. When her friend’s relatives came to visit, her friend would request that Rosa leave the flat with her baby.

“This is my friend and her husband’s flat… It’s their first home and they want privacy… I’m always thinking ‘where do we go now?’ ‘where should we go next?’”

Rosa has seen two MPs when she was pregnant in order to appeal to HDB for a flat (either rental or purchase). However, the response from HDB was that Rosa should stay with her father who is currently living in a four-room flat with his current wife (her father is not a co-owner of the flat).

““We encourage you to stay with (your father) for mutual care and support, since family should be the first line of support for those who are in need” read the HDB letter. However, this was not a feasible solution as Rosa shared an acrimonious relationship with her father.

Rosa also expressed that she experienced shame and stigma from her community for being an unmarried mother. She was also worried about being able to support her baby. Although her baby qualifies for a Child Development Account, Rosa has not received any letter informing her about it. She also did not qualify for financial assistance in terms of Baby Bonus.

“I don’t want my baby to go through what I’ve been through. Who will take care of my baby if something happens to me?”

She received assistance for her hospitalisation fees when she gave birth to her son, and was assigned a medical social worker. Regarding her housing problems, her social worker told her to go to a shelter as a last resort. Rosa now receives financial aid from MSF. However, it is a tight amount ($600) that has to go into her rental and all the costs that come with raising a baby by herself.

* Pseudonym

Single parents need homes, too: Sam’s story

Single parents in Singapore grapple with a myriad of problems and restrictive rules when it comes to meeting a basic need – housing. Think this should change? Learn more at our upcoming dialogue session on housing access for single parent families. Read more about our recommendations for how policies should be more inclusive of single parent families.

Below is Sam’s story on his experiences with applying for housing.

___________

Sam* is a single father with shared custody and shared care and control of his two children, aged 7 and 9 years. His divorce was finalised in late 2012. The matrimonial flat was sold in 2013 and he received over one-third of the profits. He has been staying in his parents’ three-room flat since. On some days, his children come to stay with him – all three must stay in the same room, and he is starting to feel the space constraints.

Sam found the resale market to be too expensive and he wanted to live near to his parents. Thus, in 2015, Sam bidded for a BTO flat and got the selection around six months later. He paid $2,000 for the option fee and was given the floorplan. HDB later found out that he had shared care and control of his children and insisted that he needed his ex-spouse’s written consent in order to buy the flat.

Sam and his ex-spouse are not on speaking terms, having gone through a bitter divorce. He tried to email her to ask her to sign the consent form, but received no reply. He thought that anyone would find it hard to agree to the terms stated in the consent form, which required the signatory to waive potential access to subsidised HDB flats in the future. He was surprised that this requirement still applied beyond the original debarment period after sale of the flat.

When he explained to an HDB officer why it was near impossible to get his ex-wife’s signature, the reply he got was ‘this is your problem’.

He tried to seek help from his MP on this matter and went to the Meet-the-People session four times, but only managed to speak to his MP twice. Sam was not sure if his MP wrote an appeal letter to HDB.

In late 2016, his application was cancelled by HDB as he failed to get his ex-spouse’s consent. He received the refund for his option fee.

Sam then went to see a Minister, hoping that he would be able to appeal his case. He waited from 7.30pm to 10.45pm before he could see the Minister. The Minister agreed to try to get HDB to write a letter to his ex-spouse, seeking the consent signature. Sam did not see any copy of the communications between the Minister and HDB.

Sam also went to see another Minister for help – finally getting the chance to speak to him close to midnight – but was told ‘why are you here? You are not in my constituency’. The Minister agreed to help him. However, going to yet another MP also yielded no success in his appeal.

Despite the appeal letter from the first Minister, HDB ended up sending a letter to Sam saying that his appeal had failed due to his failure to get consent from his ex-spouse. He found this confusing and frustrating since he had understood that HDB would be asked to seek this consent.

Sam also spoke to a senior manager in HDB about his appeal but Sam felt that she did not seem clear on the policies herself. The most she offered was to speak to the legal team to see if Sam could apply for a flat with one child’s name (previously, his application was with both his children’s names), but did not explain why this approach would make any difference.

Sam feels that he does not have many options. He can only apply for a flat under the singles scheme, which will only be a two-room flat. However with his children growing up, he does not feel that there would be enough space for them in the available flats once they are a bit older, as they will still be spending the same amount of time living with him.

Sam suggests that the consent form for an ex-spouse to buy a subsidised flat be integrated into the divorce process, and form part of the negotiation over matrimonial assets by lawyers as part of that process.

*Pseudonym