2018 Archives

Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) Session

We are organising a session on the Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) on 23 July at 6pm.

Come learn about the LPA, its purpose and its importance for yourself and your loved ones.

Benefits of an LPA

Early preparations to protect your interests should one become vulnerable one day.
Enables you to make a personal, considered choice of a trusted proxy decision maker, who is reliable and competent to act in his or her best interests.
Alleviates the stress and difficulties faced by loved ones who need to apply for a Deputyship order, if you lose mental capacity without an LPA in place.

Revenge Porn Discussion Panel

By Xenia Low, AWARE Intern

A session discussing revenge pornography was held at the AWARE centre on 27 June.
The session opened with a short introduction by Ethel, an ex-AWARE intern and current AWARE volunteer, defining the terms and parameters of revenge porn, or more accurately technologically-facilitated sexual harassment. This term encompasses a much broader range of sexual harassment online.

Sharing
One of the panelists, Gia, shared her experience of discovering edited photos of herself on a Tumblr blog with pornographic content when she was 16. In the photos, she was dressed in her school’s team uniform, but her chest had been digitally enlarged, and the photos were accompanied by a lewd caption. This was followed by many unwanted friend requests and even a stalking incident when she was going home at night. Although her perpetrator ultimately issued a public apology to her, she was left traumatised by the incident.

Ashley, the other panelist, concluded the event with a speech written by her, focusing on the need for a more open discussion about sex, consent, sexual harassment, sexual assault and other similar topics. She mentioned that sex education should also discuss consent and the importance of seeking consent as part of a respectful, healthy relationship, emphasising that it was important for youths to know their rights and recognise their boundaries, so that they will feel empowered to speak up when these rights are violated.

Discussion
Mini discussions were held at intervals between each sharing. During the introduction, everyone shared about their experiences – either as a survivor or witnessing a friend or family member being sexually harassed. This involved situations like upskirting, groping, and the release of their personal pictures and videos without their consent. The honest sharings of everyone present made for a very open and comfortable discussion and talk with empathy and without judgement.

After Gia’s sharing, discussion was open to the floor once again to reflect on what was shared. A parent in the audience mentioned that it is important for more parents to be aware of blogs and sites sharing non-consensual pictures (through stealing photos off instagram and other social media platforms), so that they can educate their children that it’s not right to share the pictures and that their pictures should not be shared without their consent. One of the youths at the event also shared that whilst listening to these sharings may be scary, there is a necessity for there to be more open discussions and platforms where important issues could be talked about.

Another parent also acknowledged the role of technology in the sharing of such images and what was considered sexual harassment. Although some did not agree with what was said, the rebuttals and disagreements were polite and mainly facilitated the discourse going on that day.

Overall, the diverse opinions shared provided food for thought and allowed for a more meaningful exchange of ideas during the event.

With the proliferation of internet technology which has made information accessible and powerful, it is important to take a strong stance against technologically-assisted sexual harassment.

Share your caregiving stories with us!

Come share your caregiving stories with us today – we would love to post your stories on our website, Facebook and Instagram!

These stories can be anonymous if you’d prefer them to be. Email them to Saza at engagement@aware.org.sg.

From the Caregiver’s Journal: Hana’s Story

This is Hana’s* unabridged story.

I am the eldest of five children from a very traditional family consisting of 4 females and 1 male. All my siblings are married, I am not. Unfairly, my brother has gotten prioritised in everything in our life, being a man.

When my father was 52, he died from a sickness. He did not earn much while he was still working, so my mother, who was around 40 years old then, worked very hard to raise my siblings and I, despite facing problems with her mother-in-law. I had to take over responsibilities too.

My mother loved my brother the most, followed by my second-oldest sister, then my youngest sister. Ironically, my fourth sister and I (the ones she loved the least) are the ones taking care of her now. My mother is 80 this year, and has Dementia. My other three siblings have only come back to visit a few times (less than 5 times) in the past few years. However, they do contribute every month financially, except my brother who has not contributed at all!

My fourth sister, her family, and I take care of my mother’s daily needs, including hospital/polyclinic visits, preparing her daily medicine, etc. My fourth sister, her husband and I have taken a Caregiver to Caregiver (C2C) course at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) on how to care for Mental Health, including Dementia. It is not an easy task, taking care of a Dementia patient. She still remembers the past, but not the present. When my sister and I first started taking care of her, she accused my sister’s son of stealing her money, so much so to the point that my brother-in-law got very upset over it. My sister and I tried to pacify my mother and brother-in-law. My mother also sometimes forgets her activities – she would keep eating but insist she has not eaten yet. Now I understand how the elderly mothers-in-law complain about how their daughters-in-law do not feed them.

In 2016, I lost my job and had no income, so I faced difficulty with my financial commitments. I became very depressed. There were times I lost control, dealing with my mother’s dementia as well. I really didn’t know what to do. I felt really guilty after those times, but what could I do. I told my sisters in our Whatsapp chat, but all they said was something like “poor dear, take care”. I even challenged my second-oldest and youngest sisters to take care of our mother for a week, full-time. They kept very quiet after that. They do not understand how our mother would sometimes come into my room very late at night, saying “there is someone in the toilet”, that she heard noises, or that the helper is stealing her clothes/money/jewellery. Because of those incidents, my blood pressure went up. There are times where I ignored my mother, but I felt very guilty. We have no intention of sending my mother to an old age home or any similar institutions because it is expensive and is not the right place for at this age. We have heard of a lot of ‘horror’ stories at old age homes too.

Whenever my mother is hospitalised, the rest of my siblings will visit her at the hospital, but never when she is at home. I am just very fed up, confused, and very tired of the whole ‘fiasco’. I told my fourth sister that I will take care of our mother until she passes on. However after she passes on, I will ‘disappear’ from my other siblings’ lives. 99% of the time, it is my fourth sister, her family (her daughter is a senior nurse) and I who live with and take care of my mother. I have also noticed that there are a lot of governmental benefits for families and married people, but not for the single and unmarried like me. How are we, the single and unmarried, going to survive when we get old? We have nobody to take care of us. It’s a scary thought. So all in all, I feel very outcasted.

*Not her real name.

Ramadan Talk with Women and Law in Islam (WALI): Violence in Muslim Marital Homes – What is to be done?

By Shafeeqah Ahmad Rosli, AWARE intern

On 31 May 2018, Women and Law in Islam (WALI) held their Ramadan Talk at AWARE centre. WALI is a grantee of AWARE’s Power Fund. The topic of discussion was: Violence in Muslim Marital Homes – What is to be done? We were joined by panellists Zaharah Ariff, centre head of Casa Raudha, a temporary refuge centre for survivors of domestic violence, and Jolene Tan, policy advisor for AWARE.

Jolene started the ball rolling with a stark reminder that Singapore’s law exempts a man from being charged with rape, or the offence of sexual penetration of a minor, if he carries out this act against his wife. Under the Singapore Penal Code, the definition of rape does not extend to within a marriage, unless the woman is under 13 years of age. Jolene further explained that there have been many attempts to repeal this law – from calls during the 2007 Penal Code review, to a 2009 media and online campaign which she helped to spearhead, as well as more recent work by AWARE at the Universal Periodic Review and CEDAW. However, to this day, the law has introduced only minor exceptions to the defence, mostly in situations where formal steps have been taken to dissolve the marriage or obtain court orders. She later said that to properly reform the law, we should consider “rape as a crime against a human, and not a crime against an abstract quality”, referring to society’s attitude that a woman’s modesty is being harmed in rape cases rather than the woman herself.

Zaharah then took the floor and shared some of the cases that have falsely attributed domestic violence to religion. From her experience in working with survivors of domestic violence, she noted that some of the perpetrators waywardly used religion as a justification of their violence against their partners. The women who enter the shelter do not question the validity of their husbands’ violent claims due to the lack of their Islamic knowledge. “As long as the husband uses the word religion, that’s the truth to [the women],” she said.

Zaharah then shared that at Casa Raudha, they empower women by educating them of their rights as wife in Islam, so that they can understand that Islam does not condone domestic violence. She therefore highlights the importance of professionals working with Muslim survivors of domestic violence to be equipped with some basic knowledge of Islam as well. In this way, they would be able to communicate more meaningfully about the religion’s true stance on domestic violence.

Other than repealing the law on marital rape, providing women who have suffered domestic violence a safe space, and equipping them with skills to protect themselves – what else is there to be done on violence in Muslim marital life?

The audience shared that with regards to domestic violence at home, it is not sufficient to only work with the women who have been abused but that it is important to also engage the perpetrators, assuming they are willing, and work on dismantling the concept of toxic masculinity to end domestic violence.

Other audience members chimed in and agreed that much work is needed to be done in addressing toxic masculinity – something that was identified by the audience as being the main problem of domestic violence in marital homes. As the discussion focused on engaging the perpetrators, Jolene took the opportunity to underscore that in discussing domestic violence, it is important to accept that it is a form of gender-based violence.

Gender-based violence involves men and women, where the latter is usually the target, and is derived from unequal power relationships between men and women. This is not to say that gender-based violence against men does not exist. However, it has been widely acknowledged that the majority of persons affected by gender-based violence are women and girls, as a result of unequal distribution of power in society between women and men.

While the talk focused on violence in Muslim marital life, the panelists noted that gender-based violence is not exclusive to a particular community because the problem of gender hierarchy and concept of masculinity is prevalent in many communities – not just the Malay-Muslim community. The audience walked away from the talk with more legal knowledge on rape and domestic violence, and with the reassurance that there are organisations such as AWARE and Casa Raudha that are committed to helping survivors of domestic violence.

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About WALI:

Women And Law in Islam (WALI) is a group that promotes gender equality in Islam through conversation, public awareness and debate.

Iftar 2018: Celebrating Ramadan during Pride Month

By Shafeeqah Ahmad Rosli, AWARE Intern

Kicking off Pride month, community groups Jejaka, The Healing Circle SG and Penawar, hosted an iftar to celebrate Ramadan with the LGBTQ+ Muslim community and their allies at Teater Ekamatra’s Greymatter. The event, held on on Saturday, 2 June 2018, ran as part of AWARE’s Gender Equality is Our Culture (GEC) project, which seeks to promote gender-equitable notions of culture and religion within the Muslim community.

Before everyone filled up their plates to break their fast, the attendees mingled with a short game of Ramadan-themed Bingo. With everyone socialising and having fun, it set the mood for the night of inclusivity and acceptance.

One of the invited speakers for the night was social media influencer Luqman Abu Bakar (@luqmanabubakar), known for his satirical posts that put the Malay-Muslim community in the spotlight. Zuby Eusofe, founder of The Healing Circle, joined him as well. The speakers shared their personal stories of navigating through life in Singapore as an influencer and as a queer Muslim, and the challenges (and positive reactions!) they have faced.

Luqman shared that Instagram’s platform allowed him to express his identity and to connect with like-minded young people who saw him as a role model. He spoke about the positivity of the platform in allowing him to inspire young people who are struggling to come to terms with their identity, but also warned aspiring individuals of the perils of social media as a career. Despite his primary objective of empowering children and youths through creativity and self-confidence, he also revealed the constant challenges he faced; encountering right-wing detractors online.

Zuby Eusofe talked about coming out as a lesbian later in life and how living as an out lesbian changed and forged new relationships in her life. Her journey was tumultuous; having struggled with her identity throughout her life – from being forced to go through conversion therapy as a young woman to living within an arranged heterosexual marriage for some time. She feels her spirituality is stronger now, simply because she is living true to her identity.

Many individuals in Singapore, especially within the Muslim community, still view the two identities – queer and Muslim – as incompatible. This denial of their existence makes it difficult for LGBTQ+ Muslims to freely exist in public and online spaces in Singapore. This perceived incompatibility by the public exacerbates queer people’s experiences with discrimination and prejudice – an experience made especially clear by audience members as they recalled some previous encounters.

It was truly a heartwarming session, filled with laughter and tears, as speakers and some audience members spoke of their personal journeys and stories. The main takeaways were the joy and liberation that comes with embracing oneself and living your own truth.

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GEC is a project by AWARE that promotes gender-equitable interpretations of culture within the Muslim community.

Jejaka is a support group that provides support to gay Malay Muslim men in Singapore.

The Healing Circle SG aims to provide a safe space for LGBTQ+ Malay Muslims to embrace both their spirituality and sexual orientation.

Penawar is a support group for women raised in Muslim households.

Cara’s story: Our support matters. Reform suicide law.

AWARE has called for the law criminalising suicide to be reformed – urging that it should no longer be an offence. We also made recommendations to improve first response so that persons attempting suicide – who are already in distress – are not further traumatised by experiences of arrest. Here is Cara’s story.

Content warning: suicide attempt

The following unabridged story was submitted by a member of the public.

I was born into a middle-income family, which consists of my parents and an elder brother who is 7 years old older than me. Most of my childhood, I love and have great passion to go to nature, play around and make new friends, laugh and join in in any festivities that the school or student care centre would have. When I arrive back home, I felt pressured and not cared for nor understood by my three family members. My passions at a young age was taught by my Mother that it is not useful, nor will it help you in your future, such as my immense interest and love of dancing, making friends, choosing to study what I love, and really having my own opinions about what I love to do. I felt I was being subjugated and often thought to myself when I was young, that I am “being controlled and force by my parents without a say for myself”.

In the 3 to 4 years of time, this slowly escalated to a point where I felt depressed and indeed I became severely depressed. At this age, I was in Primary School and had lots of fears such as making friends, fear of being laughed at, fear of being a joke in school, and so on. I suffered low self-esteem and experience low self-worth about myself. My external appearance became a façade expressing fake happiness and trying to look the very best to others that “I am fine”. While on the inside, I was already feeling depressed and suicidal. The thought recurred again and again to me that there is “no way out of this”, about how I was depressed, and I did not feel that even my friends that I have in Primary School, nor people who are close to me such as my physical family, or my Teachers were people whom I can approach to ask for help. Because in that state, where I was at the time, I did not feel that I will be understood by any one, even if they were Adults or Professionals like Counsellors, even if they say they do understand. I felt thankful at that time knowing that there were people whom truly wants to help me, yet the excruciating pain deep within of knowing no one truly understands me nor will attempt to do so, pushed me harder into a corner.

The day came at the age of 7 years old, where I decided to attempt to commit suicide. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, as I look down and think about what I am about to do, my entire 7 years of life flashed in front of me, showing me the pain that I was going through and how much do I want to endure any longer in ‘this life-time’. So much of my 7 years of life, I felt so much pain of not being able to do what I love to do, speak how I want to speak and dress how I want to dress. I love running around in nature, enjoying the flowers, exploring the books that I love reading, enjoying myself with learning, but not the punishment, caning, scolding from my Parents, and of feeling repressed from accessing my creativity as a child and youth.

As I held the pen-knife to my wrist and tried to draw blood on my wrist, I saw how much pain I had deep inside of myself. I cried for a long time and felt a lot of the pain, which flowed with my tears, these were all the sufferings that had accumulated with all the years. Once, I had finished crying, I realised what I had to do. I told myself that I am going to live my life doing what I love to do from my Heart, every moment in this lifetime, to live fully and choose my passions and loves because this is the only life-time that I have with me. This incident changed my life truly and woke me to follow my Heart towards my Happiness in life.

Fast-forward to where I am now, I am working as a Teacher Assistant in one of the Special Needs School, in my other time, the other interests that I find myself doing is yoga, snorkelling, cooking and baking, volunteering at other non-governmental charity organisations as well. These interests that I take part in, was because of my firm decision to follow my heart and go to pursue my passions. When I find that I am not doing what I love to do, it causes me immense pain and I don’t find this connection to my purpose in my life, which unfortunately my parents would express their objection towards my participation in these activities

It took me effort indeed to come out of my depression state, to love and care for myself by going for my passions and loves in life. There is so much wonder in the world at the ages of 3-7 years old that I see and want to experience intimately, and there always is the magic and wonder that I can still can see.

The message to the people who reads this is Dare to go for your passions and loves, even if there may be disagreements and rejections from close ones that you know. Follow your heart always because it is the path to your Happiness in this life-time. How do you want to experience this life? Living your life by not doing what you truly love, or living your life by doing all that you truly enjoy and it makes your heart and body sing with every fibre of your being. Everyone does dies, even a King whom is royalty by birth, but how you truly live in every breath of you makes you who you are.

The second message is Don’t give up, people who may be going through a suicidal stage of your life. What that I have taken away from my own personal story, is that it is not true that no one cares or loves you. There is always people who truly are open to listen to you. Don’t be afraid to open up and speak to them. I was one as well, and it was not easy for me to understand that people will truly listen to every bit of your story. You are worthwhile to live your life and life is wondrous to live, you are also worthy to open yourself to others who truly wants to help you. Step out and approach to people who cares like AWARE, SOS and other organisations, to your school teachers, counsellors if speaking to a close family member is difficult for you. Don’t be afraid that your hurts buried deep within are not worthy to be heard by others, they are, mine is, and I am sharing mine with you here. I am 28 years old now, and I have been living an adventurous life, and will continue to be enjoying living every fibre of my being as well in my lifetime.

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Year: 2018